


My (Sort Of) Girlfriend Is A Dinosaur

by momentinsubtext



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-16
Updated: 2009-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 09:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2223351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentinsubtext/pseuds/momentinsubtext
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[crackfic] Myfanwy speaks to Ianto. Things go downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How Myfanwy Got Her Voice Back

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from my Teaspoon account.

The device was small and unobtrusive. And old. Very, very old. The only reason it was out of the archives was because it was so old it was gathering dustbunnies, and Ianto was very, very bored. Gwen was home with her completely undeserved husband, and Jack was wherever Jack went when he wasn't in the Hub. Probably standing on top of a building, looking pretentious. Myfanwy circled the ceiling lazily.  
  
There was no record of what the device did, only a little note saying, "harmless". At Torchwood, this was usually a Bad Sign. Ianto turned the device over in his hand; it flashed as it caught the light.  
  
Myfanwy screeched and dove toward the ground, landing beside Ianto. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, in case she decided to eat him. Myfanwy opened her beak and...  
  
"Finally!" she said. "I didn't think anyone was ever going to find that thing again."  
  
Ianto stared.  
  
"What?" Myfanwy asked. "Have I got something on my beak?"  
  
"I'm hallucinating," Ianto muttered.  
  
"Nope." Myfanwy said happily. "It's a translator. Jack found it a while ago."  
  
"Pteradactyls don't talk," Ianto told himself sternly.  
  
"Yeah, that's another thing I've been meaning to talk to you about. See this crest on my head?" She lowered her head in case he couldn't. "That's not just a phallic symbol, it's a species marker. Pteradactyl didn't have one, pteradon did. So if you'd just correct that in the paperwork at some point..."  
  
"Phallic symbol?" Ianto squeaked.  
  
"Hey, I'm just quoting Jack. 'If you're going to flaunt that hugh phallic symbol around, the least you could do is put out'." She lifted her shoulders in what could only be interpreted as a shrug. "When I rejected him he got all huffy and took one of those pills you people are so fond of. Forgot all about the translator. Men!"  
  
Ianto had absolutely no idea how to respond to that.  
  
"Have you got any chocolate?" Myfanwy asked after a second.  
  
"Um..." Ianto said.  
  
"Only, I haven't had chocolate since that time you and Jack chased me around Cardiff, back when you first got hired."  
  
"Um," Ianto said again. "Just a second."  
  
"Okay, I can wait. Hey, do you suppose I could get a vet visit anytime soon?"  
  
Ianto, who had resigned himself to the fact that he was going insane, finished opening the Hershey's bar he'd found and held it up. "I doubt it."  
  
"Oh." Myfanwy carefully took the candy and swallowed it. "Yum, thanks. Why not?"  
  
"Um... it's... complicated... You're kinda extinct."  
  
"Oh, okay. Well, you remember that time I disappeared for few days and none of you knew where I went? And then suddenly I was just back?"  
  
"Ye~es..." Ianto said hesitantly.  
  
"Well, I met this male pteradon who fell through the rift. He was really sweet and handsome, and-"  
  
"I don't want to hear this!" Ianto exclaimed.  
  
"Okay," Myfanwy said. "But can't you secretly hire someone to take a look at me and tell me if I'm going to lay an egg or not?"  
  
"Maybe?"  
  
"Yay! Thanks, Ianto! You're my favourite human."  
  
"Er... thank you?"  
  
"You're welcome. Oh! I've been meaning to say this to you for a long time." She cleared her throat. "Ianto Jones, I'm sorry I ate your girlfriend."  
  
Ianto choked, then laughed helplessly for a bit, then moved on to feeling touched. "Jack never apologized."  
  
"Jack's an idiot. You deserve better."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
There was a moment of not-completely-awkward silence while the implications of that bit of conversation sank in an no one was particularly weirded out.  
  
"Ever seen Cardiff from the sky?" Myfanwy asked.  
  
"Not really," Ianto admitted. "I don't like standing around on top of buildings as much as Jack does."  
  
"That's not what I meant." She leaned down as far as she could. "Hop on. We can fly by Jack and see him make funny faces as his blood pressure skyrockets."  
  
Ianto thought about it for a minute. "I think we'd get in trouble for that."  
  
"Well, we don't _have_ to fly by Jack. There's a really pretty view of the sun setting over the water going on now."  
  
Ianto pressed the button that opened the roof.


	2. A Match Made In Heaven, Or Something Like That

Myfanwy would not let Ianto out of the nest. She claimed she needed the company, if she started to clutch. She started to shriek every time he attempted to find a way down. It was a little bit like being married. It was also bloody annoying, but Ianto knew it was just pregnancy hormones.  
  
A few weeks ago he'd had a vet come into the hub and look ant her, and yes, she was carrying a couple of eggs. Convincing Jack to let the vet in had been, er, exhaustive, to say the least. Jack was probably regretting it. Not that Ianto would know, he hadn't been out of the nest in about three days.  
  
He also hadn't been allowed any visitors. Myfanwy didn't trust Jack, and neither of them really wanted to talk to Gwen. Ever, ever again. She'd pitched quite a fit when she'd realized that Myfanwy was sentient. She'd pitched a bigger fit when she'd found out that Ianto was, in essence, dating her. It wasn't pleasant.  
  
Myfanwy was currently out getting food. Probably. Ianto had complained about being hungry and she had left. And now he was bored. He'd already finished all three Sudoku books she'd brought him and the battery on Owen's old Gameboy had died on the second day. He'd lost his copy of _Jane Eyre_ during his first escape attempt, and his mobile... well, that was another story entirely.  
  
Briefly, he considered having a wank to pass the time. Very, very briefly before realising that it might not be the safest thing to do when sharing a one-room nest with a hormonal dinosaur who could be back at any moment.  
  
"Jack wants to know how long it will be before he gets to have sex with you again," Myfanwy said, dropping a Jubilee pizza box into his lap.  
  
"What did you tell him?" Ianto asked, not bothering to ask what Jack had really said.  
  
Myfanwy cackled. "He's just jealous."  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"You don't want to know." She settled comfortably in her corner of the nest. "Honestly, I don't know how you can stand the man."  
  
"The sex," Ianto said wisely, "is good."  
  
"Meh," Myfanwy said. "He's a pervert."  
  
"You," Ianto said, paused to take a bite of pizza, then continued, "you should meet Detective Swanson."  
  
"Maybe I'll invite her for tea tomorrow."


	3. The "We Think Jack Harkness Is An Absolute Prat" Society

Myfanwy perched on the edge of the nest, Ianto's mobile clutched in one claw. She held it out to him.  
  
"Um, thanks," he said, taking it.  
  
She hopped down into the nest and folded her wings. "You said we could have Detective Swanson over for tea."  
  
"Did I?"  
  
"Sort of."  
  
"Oh." He looked at the mobile. "So I expect you want me to call her?"  
  
"Well, it's not like _I_ can do it, y'know."  
  
"Right." He frowned. "Didn't Jack take this? How did you get it back?"  
  
"I promised him he could have sex with you while Kathy and I discuss what a pig he is."  
  
"...Really?"  
  
She preened. "Yeppers. Smart, huh?"  
  
"Well-"  
  
"And I figure you deserve it. I mean, you've only gotten off once since I brought you up here." He stared at her. "Did you think I hadn't noticed? Really?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Oh, I don't _mind_ or anythin- _aww!_ You're so _cute_ when you blush."  
  
"So, I'll just call Detective Swanson, now," he said quickly.  
  
"Pretty please. Oh, and have her bring chocolate. I love chocolate."  
  
  
  
Kathy Swanson stepped into the Hub knowing pretty much what to expect. Ianto had decided that in the interest of his sex life the explanations should all come _prior_ to her walking through the door. Needless to say, she was less than thrilled.   
  
She still brought chocolate, though, because even the dumbest person in Cardiff wouldn't think it was a good idea to ignore the request of a hormonal pteradon.  
  
Myfanwy swooped down from the ceiling before either Jack or Gwen could say something to alienate her. "Hi, there You must be Detective Swanson."  
  
"Er, yes," Kathy said, just a little bit wary. "Kathy is fine."  
  
"Thanks. I'm Myfanwy."  
  
"Nice to meet you. I, um, brought that choclate you asked for." She held it out.  
  
"Yay! Jack doesn't buy me chocolate anymore, he says I don't deserve it." She took the candy bar out of Kathy's hand and ate it in one bite. "So I tell him he doesn't deserve Ianto and threaten to keep him forever." Against her better judgement, Kathy smirked. "I think I'm going to like you, Kathy."  
  
"Great. Now that we're all acquainted-"  
  
"Shut up, Jack," Myfanwy snapped, flaring her wings.  
  
"But you promised-"  
  
"What are you, five? I said hush. I'll fly you to your precious boyfriend - and I use that term loosely - in a minute." Jack sulked. "Oh, fine. Kathy-"  
  
"I'll wait," Kathy said wanly.  
  
If pteradons could smile, Myfanwy would have been grinning. "I'll be right back. Try not to talk to Gwen, she's being really pissy about this whole situation." She leapt off the ground and spread her wings, dug her talons into Jack's shoulders and took off.  
  
"Ow! Hey, careful!"  
  
"Shut up," Myfanwy said. "I have no qualms about dropping you a couple of times on the way up if you annoy me."  
  
"Shutting up now."  
  
"That's what I thought."


	4. Once Upon A Time, In The Middle Of The Morning

"Myfanwy, I think this is supposed to be your job," Ianto said, struggling not to fall from his precarious position atop the smallest of the three pteradon eggs.  
  
Myfanwy ducked her head and used her crest to knock him onto the floor of the nest. "Of course it is, silly. I just needed you to fill in while I went to get us food."  
  
"And where is the food, then?" he asked, not bothering to stand back up.  
  
"Jack stole it. I swear, that man has gotten even _more_ difficult since I let him visit you-"  
  
"Perhaps if you hadn't kicked him out of the nest _quite_ so literally-"  
  
"I gave him plenty of warning!"  
  
"Myfanwy, we've been over this."  
  
"I know, I know. I'm sorry." She shuffled her talons, then settled down with her wings around the rest of her clutch. "He just makes me so _mad_."  
  
"I know."  
  
"And if he thinks starving you is going to make me give you back he has another thing coming." Ianto began to worry. "I mean, we can just call Kathy and have her bring pizza the next time he goes out." She looked down at the eggs."Shouldn't these have hatched by now?"  
  
Ianto shrugged. "I'm hardly an expert. You _are_ supposed to be extinct, remember?"  
  
"I remember," she sulked. "I just wish Don hadn't taken off so quickly after knocking me up."  
  
"Don?" He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"There's a reason pteradon's don't get to name things."  
  
"Besides being extinct?"  
  
She gave him a look. "Yes, besides that. He's a pteradon, he's a he, I called him Don. He called me Terri. Get over it."  
  
"Is this like the Aussies calling all women Sheila?"  
  
"Do I _look_ like an expert of Australlian motivation to you?" She shook her head. "It's just a thing, alright?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Good."  
  
"And that's why you're naming the hatchlings."  
  
"Right. Wait, what?"  
  
  
  
Ianto woke to a loud cracking noise. A second later, Myfanwy's talon landed on his shoulder and shook him. "They're hatching, aren't they?" he asked without opening his eyes.  
  
"Yes! It's so exciting!"  
  
"Spectacular... they're going to think I'm food, aren't they?"  
  
Myfanwy blinked. "I don't think so."  
  
"That's reassuring, thanks." He rolled over. "If they decide to eat me, I will come back to haunt you."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll protect you. They'll be addicted to pizza and chocolate in no time."  
  
"Good. Wake me in the morning."  
  
"But you have to name them!"  
  
"It can wait." He pulled the blanket over his head to prove his point.  
  
"Fine, be that way."  
  
"Myfanwy, it's only..." He looked at his watch and groaned. "Two thirty. Even Jack is asleep."  
  
"I so doubt that."  
  
"Good night, Myfanwy. I'm going back to sleep now."


	5. One, Two, Three Little Pteradons

"Tell me that isn't what it looks like," Kathy said, staring up toward the ceiling.  
  
"You know you can't just walk in here whenever you feel like it, right?" Jack asked. Kathy raised an eyebrow at him and resumed watching the air show. Jack sighed. "Ianto taught them."  
  
"Of course he did."  
  
"They're going to be too big to do this indoors soon," Ianto said from behind her.  
  
She turned around, surprised. "She let you out of the nest!"  
  
"Yeah." He smiled. "Motherhood seems to have mellowed her out some." He nodded up at the synchronized pteradons. "Nia's the one of the left, there. And the little one is Alanna."  
  
"She's his favourite," Jack said.  
  
"Shut up, I don't have a favourite."  
  
"And the third one?"  
  
"Kaylee. You're a bit early, Kathy, Myfanwy isn't back yet."  
  
"That's fine, I'll wait." She paused. "So, where's Gwen?"  
  
Ianto shrugged. "Sulking somewhere, I imagine."  
  
Kathy nodded. "It's somehow immoral to train baby pteradons to fly in formation?"  
  
"It's frightening how much you're beginning to fit in around here," Jack observed. Kathy frowned. "Oh, wait, this next bit is amazing. Ianto, do that thing with the chocolate."  
  
"I don't think I want to know," Kathy muttered.  
  
Jack grinned a filthy grin at her and Ianto rolled his eyes, pulling a chocolate bar out of his pocket. The pteradons paused in their routine, hovering almost motionlessly in the air. He broke the chocolate into three pieces, took one in each hand and put the third between his teeth. Then he whistled.  
  
"I'd step back now," Jack said, taking an exaggerated step back and dragging her back with him. She was too busy staring at the dive-bombing trio to glare at him.  
  
Their wings flared out at the last possible second and they circled Ianto's head. Nia landed first, o his left wrist, then Kaylee on the right. Alanna perched a top his head. (Oh, she was so clearly his favourite.) At the same time, they took their bits of chocolate and tipped their heads back to swallow.  
  
"Better give pervy Uncle Jack his chocolate kiss now, Daddy," Nia said, launching herself back into the air. The others followed suit, giggling.  
  
"Daddy?" Kathy asked.  
  
"Don't even," Jack said, moving to catch Ianto's mouth.  
  
Kathy was yet again struck by what a madhouse she'd been dragged into. She shook her head. "Where did Myfanwy go?"  
  
"She's looking for a place to take the girls on vacation," Ianto said when Jack finally released him.  
  
"They're going on vacation?"  
  
"For two weeks," Jack said, beaming.  
  
"Why do I get the feeling neither of you are going to get any work done?"  
  
Jack's grin widened. Ianto flushed. Kathy rolled her eyes.  
  
"You're welcome to come join us if you wa-"  
  
"And here I'd almost forgotten why I hated you."  
  
Jack pouted.  
  
"So, Kathy," Ianto said quickly. "Coffee?"  
  
Kathy nodded. "Two-"  
  
"-sugars, no milk. I remember." He scurried off to make it, Jack's eyes firmly glued to his arse.  
  
"It's not like they get any work done _now_ ," Nia said, landing on a nearby railing. "What with the sulking-"  
  
"Gwen," Kaylee put in, landing beside her sister.  
  
"And the pouting-"  
  
"Uncle Jack."  
  
"And the fighting over Daddy-"  
  
"Mummy _and_ Uncle Jack."  
  
"I mean, the city would be pretty much over run with Weevils by now if Mummy didn't let us hunt them."  
  
Kathy was silent for a moment. "We're not talking about the kind of weevils I find in my oatmeal, are we?"  
  
"Not so much, no."  
  
"Right. How long until your mother gets back again?"  
  
Nia shrugged her wings.  
  
"Not long," Ianto said, returning with a coffee mug for her. She took it gratefully.  
  
"If you don't want to stick around, we'll tell her you stopped by," Jack offered.  
  
"Ha," Kathy said. "You'd probably conveniently 'forget' to mention it. Don't think I don't know you. I'll wait." Jack pouted some more. Kathy sipped her coffee. "Oh, Ianto, you're a miracle worker."  
  
Ianto smiled. "I know."  
  
Kathy continued to drink in silence for a minute. "So when they fight over you, please tell me it's a _bit_ more subtle than both of them grabbing an arm and pulling?"  
  
"You wouldn't believe me if I did."  
  
"Should I?"  
  
"No. They've destroyed more suits-"  
  
"I said I was sorry!" Kathy stiffled a giggle. "Anyway, you more than made up for it, washing my coat in special sauce."  
  
Ianto hid a smirk, mostly successfully. "I swear, I had nothing to do with that. It must have been Gwen."  
  
Kathy finally lost the battle to keep a straight face. She was still giggling when Myfanwy swooped in. "Hi, Myfanwy."  
  
"Hi, Kathy. What's so funny?"  
  
Kathy waved her hand vaguely in the direction of Jack and Ianto, noticed that while she'd been having a giggle fit they'd begun making out and had yet to come up for air, and instantly composed herself. "Oi!"  
  
The pteradons all snickered as Ianto moved away from Jack very quickly. Jack pouted.  
  
"Daddy's in trouble now," Nia said.  
  
"He's not supposed to make out with Uncle Jack where Mummy can see," Kaylee said.  
  
"Girls..."  
  
"Sorry, Mummy," the two said together, flying off to join Alanna, who was doing loop-dee-loops, the show-off.  
  
"I see you've met my daughters," Myfanwy said.  
  
"Yeah, they seem like sweet girls. No sons?"  
  
"Thankfully. Jack would probably turn them all gay."  
  
Kathy raised an eyebrow. "Never figured you for a bigot."  
  
"It's not the _gay_ part I don't like, it's the _Jack_ part - and any comments from him about his parts and how well they work or whatever  _will_ require the growth of a new spine."  
  
Jack's jaw snapped shut violently.  
  
"So, anyway, Kathy," Myfanwy continued. "I was hoping you could do me a favour."  
  
"I just know this isn't going to end well... What is it?"  
  
"Could you stay overnight with the girls tonight?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Only, I want to take Ianto somewhere nice before the girls and I go on vacation and I certainly don't trust _Jack_ with my daughters' virtue-"  
  
"Hey! Standing. Right here."  
  
"Oh, like this is news to you? Anyway, it's just one night, and they're really sound sleepers. But you know how a mother worries."  
  
"I guess it couldn't hurt..."  
  
"Great! You wanna go home and get your things and then I'll fly you up to the nest?"  
  
Kathy resigned herself to never leaving the nuthouse and slipped away to get her things.  
  
"Bet she gets to ride up on your girlfriends back," Jack muttered to Ianto.  
  
Myfanwy glared at him. "That would be because _Kathy_ has never tried to hump me while I was flying her somewhere."  
  
"What? _Jack_..." Ianto shook his head sadly.  
  
"I _never-_ right, you're not buying that one, obviously. _Once-_ " Ianto and Myfanwy failed to look convinced. "I hate you both."  
  
"Liar," Ianto said fondly.  
  
Myfanwy made a mostly-real sound of disgust and went to join her offspring in the air before the humans resumed their snog-fest.


End file.
